FAIRY TALE by Stephen King ⭐⭐

I’m doing it. I’m giving a King book two stars, and I do so with a heavy heart.

Just ten pages in, I was worried. I wrote this note that day:

“It’s already looking like a very 'Stephen King-y' Stephen King book. A coming-of-age teen. An adult-making adventure with a lackluster finish. Probably two hundred pages longer than necessary. A lot of brash jive-talk for a kid, especially a kid growing up long after the seventies. A non-human sidekick that will probably be cause for emotional triggers. A flawless use of supernatural, fantasy, magic, and gross-out forces. A world paralleling ours just around the corner, so close it’s a wonder anyone missed it. One character that’s an alcoholic or abuser. Blunt foreshadowing. Blue chambray shirts.”

I expected to be close and hoped for the opposite. But that could’ve been the blurb inside the dust jacket.

It was impossible to look past the obvious: this is a seventy-five-year-old man speaking through an eighteen-year-old kid, telegraphing all the things that he thinks teenagers care about because he forgot all the real, nuanced ones in his old age. And the language, woof. I wonder if he couldn’t decide between setting it in the eighties or the 21st century, jostling back and forth between referencing both with a heavy use of the former. I kept forgetting when we were until a random iPhone or internet reference would bring me back from the use of “bodacious” and the thousandth use of Turner Classic Movies to explain why Charlie only knows actors from pre-1990.

The problem here is the lack of voice. Usually his stories have characters that jump off the page with description and dialogue, made more vivid by his exceptional atmospheres and tone. But the layer between the author and his work is almost absent here. All I hear is him, no matter who is talking. The nitty gritty of the story can be palatable and at times pretty fun, but the storytelling and narration are somehow still so lame.

I wrote more notes for this — more than any other book I’ve read — as I struggled for two months, mostly out of spite. Some I feel necessary to share:

- Stop calling Uber a “Yoober”.

- Charlie just broke a guy’s hands. I cannot read his moral compass at all.

- The simplicity and the “fairy tale” aspect feel aimed toward YA, but if so the younger ages are gonna have no clue what all these ancient references are, much less care about them (Spinal Tap; Laurence Olivier; Donald Sutherland, specifically from MASH; College-era Shaq; Paul Newman reference even I don’t get, etc.)

- Endless reminders that they speak a different language, but Charlie (i.e. us) reads it as normal English. Why even mention it then? Or just do it once and be done with it.

- He’s suddenly the chosen one for no reason at all.

- The dog, set-up as the main plot device and opportunity for connection with the audience, never even got a chance to truly shine, disappearing for a third of the book. A travesty.

It’s like three books in one: a mind-numbingly boring story about a crotchety old man and a teen; a somehow cheesy yet dark young adult fantasy; and an admittedly intriguing apocalyptic prison escape. I can see somebody finding some part to enjoy, and some probably adoring the whole thing. For me, I enjoyed the chapter illustrations most of all. One thing King knows how to do is involve talented artists to visualize his words.

I wouldn’t recommend this. But I’m sure someone will enjoy it. Especially Stephen King diehards between eleven and fifteen who were also born fifty years ago and love constant reminders that this is a fairy tale and something interesting is about to happen. Spoiler alert: you’ll be waiting about 430 pages